"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay, and before they
leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--- Bob Ettinger

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when
someone took her out in the lake and
threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they
weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--- Paula Poundstone

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??
I'm halfway through my fish burger and I
realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
--- Lynda Montgomery