Dear Santa,

I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond
earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little
thing, and I want it deeply. I WANT TO SLAP Martha Stewart.!!!

Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything.
Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy
inside just thinking about it.

Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of adults across
the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift
to us all.

Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with
gracious living. We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates
match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner.

We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from
hollyhock dipped in 18 carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold.
Unless it's of the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's
creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us don't know
what turmeric is, let alone figure out what to do with it.

OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with
all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last
week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the
page for her ego.

We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's
only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is
Martha Stewart Living?) When it was pointed out that she could micro-
wave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave." The reporter noted
that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either." Well lah
dee dah! Imagine that, Santa! That lovely microwave you brought me
years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like
popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen
Martha. What next? The coffee maker?

In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an
entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And
neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher, that
qualifies as "put away" in my house!

Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends.
"Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts.
Not just scarves, mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not
shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so
with such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and
blue.

She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s," and
says her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how
to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel." I have one piece of
advice, Martha: "Get new friends." Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a
whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne
from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in shimmering satin
gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their
days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation.

Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential people by
Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Albright
and Maya Angelou, no doubt). The proof of Martha's influence: After
she bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says,
"People saw me buy them. In an instant, they were all gone." I hope
Martha never decides to jump off a bridge.

A guest in Martha's home tells how Martha gets up early to
rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast.
This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's
obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to
rollerblade. What a show off!

If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her
friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman
Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000.
But what price is friendship, right?

When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy
me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy
teachers. You should listen to them. Being an overachiever is nothing
despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your standards."

And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an
"important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad,
tacky little lives.

There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a
good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year.
You probably want to smack her yourself.
P.S. If you do... could you let me know?

( Thanks, *Denise*)