A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

Flying home after visiting her daughter in England, she arranged to have
her husband meet her plane at the Vancouver, B.C. airport. This meant a
stop at the border crossing between the United States and Canada, where
her husband was asked: "What is your reason for entering the country?"
and "How long are you planning to stay?" He replied that he was picking
his wife up at the airport after her trip to England. Without missing a
beat, the guard asked two more questions in the same businesslike tone:
"Is the house clean?" and "Are there fresh flowers on the table?"

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up
something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
I asked her not to do that. "Why?" "Because it's been laying outside
and is dirty and probably has germs."

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked,
"Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly," everyone knows this stuff. Um, it's on

the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a
Mommy.
"Oh."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological
disorder excuses.
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.....
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear
end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our
privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

A kind-hearted motorist saw a man struggling to change a tire alongside
the highway, and pulled over to see whether he could help. The man had a
very red face, and a dark smear across it where he'd wiped off sweat
with dirty hands. His tie was undone and his shirt collar askew, and it
was clear he had also wiped his hands on his once-white shirt. Close to
him stood an immaculately neat woman who was speaking in quick, agitated
tones.

"Hello, there," said the motorist. "Say, I've changed a lot of
tires. . . maybe I can help here."

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking
around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing/" she asked. "Hunting Flies" he responded.

"Oh!, Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males and 2 females", he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but
sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.
Then take a dump in the woods. I could deal with that, too.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business.
You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out
of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling.
He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

I wanna be a bear.

While a Texan was busily preparing for the first day
of deer hunting season, his wife started nagging that
he never asked her to go along. After several hours
of arguments, the wife won.

That next morning they drove out to the country,
and he placed his wife in a tree about 100 yards from
his blind. Just as the hunter reached the blind, he
heard a loud bang coming from the wife's position.

As he ran up to her, he saw that she was holding her
gun on a man nearby and shouting, "It's my deer!
Get away from it!! The sheepish-looking stranger just

John Smith took his collection of disabled umbrellas
to the repairer's. Two days later, on his way to work,
he got up to leave the bus and absentmindedly laid
hold of the umbrella belonging to a woman beside him.

"Stop, thief!" cried the woman, and at once she rescued
her umbrella, and covered him with shame and confusion.

Later that same day, John stopped by the repairer's shop
and received all ten of his umbrellas repaired and working
fine. As he entered the bus, with the umbrella bundle in his
hands, he was horrified to behold the lady of his morning

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a
large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the
other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man
prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to
cross this river."

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was
able to swim across the river in about two hours, after
almost drowning a couple of times. Seeing this, the second
man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength
..and the tools to cross this river."