Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last
oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
$50.00..
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20....00, drive
home.

God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful
you were to your wives on Earth.

Man 1: Please God, I can't count how many times I cheated on my
wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I
had to have them all.

God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a run-down
truck that barely moves.

Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once,
just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong
turn. Please forgive me!

God: My man, I am ashmed of you too. But I will be kinder to you.

Two older women, Coleen and Melinda, who were rivals in a social
circle met at a Christmas party at their country club.

"My dear," said Melinda, "Are those real pearls?"

"They are," replied Coleen.

"Of course the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them,"
smiled Melinda.

Coleen responded, "Yes, but for that you would need real teeth."

A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed
through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no
place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from
a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young
tech are interested in each other, because they are giving each
other looks.

Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There
is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the
train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying

TOP TEN THINGS THAT MEN UNDERSTAND ABOUT WOMEN

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Last New Year's Eve my wife stood up at the
local pub and said that it was time to get
ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted
every husband to be standing next to the
one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The
bartender was almost crushed to death.

A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW
Beetle had died because I left the lights on
overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time
so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me
a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our
second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler,
and use it to push my car fast enough to start it.
I pointed out to her that because the VW had an
automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed
at least 30mph for it to start.

She said "fine!" hopped into her car and drove off.

I sat there fuming wondering what she could be

There is a new, specialized service called "Marriage Anonymous"

WOMEN:

When you feel like getting married, you call Marriage Anonymous and
they send over a man in a dirty T-shirt who hasn't shaved in three
days, smells like stale beer, and whines at you to make him a snack
while he lies on the couch, emits various bodily gases and their
accompanying noises, and watches football.

MEN:

When you feel like getting married, you call Marriage Anonymous and
they send you an overweight woman dressed in a sloppy bathrobe and