The poor country pastor was livid when he
confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250
dress she had bought.

"How could you do this!" he exclaimed.

"I don't know," she wailed,

"I was standing in the store looking at the dress
on sale.

Then I found myself trying it on.

It was like the Devil was whispering to me,
'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should
buy it.'"

"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to
deal with him!

Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"

"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks
great from back here, too."

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their
40th wedding anniversary.

On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that
because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant
each of them a very special wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh!

Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and
were giving each other the silent treatment.

The next week the man realized that he would need his wife
to wake him at 5.00am for an early flight to Sydney. Not
wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally
wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00am".

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was
9.00am, and that he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't
awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed....

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary
for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs
her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word. She pauses, reflects,
and then says well, then, let it read "Fred Brown died."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven
word minimum for all obituaries. She thinks it over and in a few seconds
says, "In that case, let it read, 'Fred Brown died: golf clubs for sale.'"

A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of
them unwilling to admit they might be in error.

"I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a conciliatory
attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."

He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.

"I'm wrong," she said.

With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!"

It was a terrible night, blowing cold and snow
in a most frightful manner. The streets were
deserted and the local baker was just about to
close up shop when a little Jewish man slipped
through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown
inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and
a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet,
freezing, and bedraggled.

As he unwound his scarf, he said to the baker, "May
I have two poppy seed bagels to go, please?"

The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing
more?"

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on
his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled,
"there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at
six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

For a while my husband and I had opposite schedules. He
worked during the day, and I worked at night. One morning
I noticed he had left a not to himself on the kitchen
counter that read, "STAMPS!"

As a helpful surprise, I bought him some at the post office
and put them on the counter before going to work...

The next morning I found the same note. The word "STAMPS!"
was crossed out. Underneath it he had written, "ONE MILLION
DOLLARS!"

Charlie had a massive heart attack and died. His body was delivered to the
mortuary. He had been wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit at
the time of his demise, so he really looked wonderful, considering the
circumstances.

His wife went to the funeral home to make the final arrangements for his
interment. She spoke to the mortician about what her husband would be wearing.
The mortician pointed out that the man looked really nice in the black suit
he was wearing, and that frankly it would be easier and less expensive to
leave him dressed as he was.

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after
surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he
fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed
by his side.

A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're
cute!" Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful"
it was "cute."

She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?"

His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"