At the Checkout counter of the discount department store where
I was a cashier, customers frequently asked me under what circumstances
items were returnable. One woman who came through my line must have
been aware of store policy. She pointed to the lacy red-and-black
negligee she was about to purchase. "May I bring this back if it
doesn't work?" she asked.

My wife and I were browsing in a crafts store when I noticed a
display of country-style musical instruments. After looking over
the flutes, dulcimers and recorders, I picked up a shiny,
one-stringed instrument I took to be a mouth harp. I put it to
my lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a
few notes on it.

After watching from a distance, my wife came up and whispered
in my ear, "I hate to tell you this, honey, but you're trying
to play a cheese slicer."

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite
in the furniture store. Pete says to the salesman, "We
really like it, but I don't think we can afford it."

The salesman says, "You just make a small down payment...
then you don't make another payment for six months."

Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and
says, "Who told you about us?"

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling
alleys.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is
winning.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many
dead rabbits on the highway?

Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a
relative.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the
grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me
shuck up a conversation. Just as he was telling me that his
wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power
shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead.

"Ah," he sighed, "that must be her checking out now."