Benny and Mark were at the bar chatting about how much their wives thought of
them. Mark said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any
work around the house. It's great!"
Not to be out done, Benny said, "That's nothing. My wife simply worships me..."

Confused Mark asked, "She worships you? C'mon, what makes you say that?"

"Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me."

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: I'm with you, honey, those guys are the scum of the earth.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of vegetables left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.

As a new bride, Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch.
She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never
to touch it.

For fifty years Jack left the box alone, until Edna was old and dying.
One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box
again and thought it might hold something important.

Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box
to Edna and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the
day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a
magazine.

Suddenly, she burst out laughing.

"Listen to this," she said.

"There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife
for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

"Absolutely not," he said.

"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."

"Season's more than half over," he said.

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether
it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The
architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he
enjoyed time with his mistress,because of the passion and mystery
he found there. The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each
assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go
to the lab and get some work done."