A man goes to a bar with his dog.

He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!"

The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."

"Oh man,” the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua.

The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."

"It's a guy thing"
-- There is no rationale or logic, and I don't feel like trying to come up with any.

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
-- I'm conditioned to agree, but it doesn't mean I'm listening.

"That's interesting, dear."
-- I acknowledge that you're STILL talking.

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
-- I forgot our anniversary again.

"You know how bad my memory is."

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

A married couple was
in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper."
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.
Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was
raining and put his head out the window to check. As he
did so a glass eye fell into his hand.

He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a
young woman looking down.

"Is this yours?" he asked.

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the
man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed.
Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner.
There's plenty; would you like to join me?"

A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier.
"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. The
owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely
gorgeous full-length coat.

As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and
discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for
$65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!"

"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday.
You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has
cleared." The man and the woman leave.

A man who was driving a car with his wife was stopped by a police officer. The following exchange took place.

The man says, "What's the problem, officer?"

Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

Man: "No sir, I was going 65."

Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gave his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight. "

Man: "Broken taillight? I didn't know about a broken taillight!"

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that taillight for weeks." (The man gave his wife another dirty look.)

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result.

On his way home he pops into the newsagent and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the newsagent "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35" was the reply.

"I'm actually 47 years old" the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into the Fish & Chip shop to celebrate. Before leaving, he asks the same question, to which the reply is "Oh, you look about 29" This makes him feel really good.

A man phoned home from his office and told his wife, "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so pack my clothes, my fishing equipment and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." He went home in a hurry, grabbed everything and rushed off. A week late