Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last
oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
$50.00..
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20....00, drive
home.

God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful
you were to your wives on Earth.

Man 1: Please God, I can't count how many times I cheated on my
wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I
had to have them all.

God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a run-down
truck that barely moves.

Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once,
just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong
turn. Please forgive me!

God: My man, I am ashmed of you too. But I will be kinder to you.

A kind-hearted motorist saw a man struggling to change a tire alongside
the highway, and pulled over to see whether he could help. The man had a
very red face, and a dark smear across it where he'd wiped off sweat
with dirty hands. His tie was undone and his shirt collar askew, and it
was clear he had also wiped his hands on his once-white shirt. Close to
him stood an immaculately neat woman who was speaking in quick, agitated
tones.

"Hello, there," said the motorist. "Say, I've changed a lot of
tires. . . maybe I can help here."

Find out what may really mean when they say...

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,and stand by
a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete
safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it,
and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed
through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no
place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from
a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young
tech are interested in each other, because they are giving each
other looks.

Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There
is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the
train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying

TOP TEN THINGS THAT MEN UNDERSTAND ABOUT WOMEN

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Last New Year's Eve my wife stood up at the
local pub and said that it was time to get
ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted
every husband to be standing next to the
one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The
bartender was almost crushed to death.

Two older men are sitting on a park bench talking and one of them asks the other about his sex life. The man answers that he has an excellent sex life and is still very active.
The other man confesses that his sexual appetite has greatly diminished with old age so he asks the other man if he has any secrets for staying sexually vital.
"Well," answered the man, "I eat rye bread everyday. That is my secret. If you just eat rye bread, your sex life will improve dramatically."

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted
from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first,
"but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it! Every one of the recipes began the same way:
'Take a clean dish and....' "

Some men are discovered, others are found out!!