A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

An American approaches a British gentleman at a club, asks if he’d like to play tennis.

The Brit replies: “No thank you, tried it once, didn’t like it.”

The American asks if he’d like to play billiards.

“No thank you, tried it once, didn’t like it.”

Would he like to play bridge?

“No thank you, tried it once, didn’t like it; but I see my son approaching. He might like to play.”

“Your only son I presume”.

Two older men are sitting on a park bench talking and one of them asks the other about his sex life. The man answers that he has an excellent sex life and is still very active.
The other man confesses that his sexual appetite has greatly diminished with old age so he asks the other man if he has any secrets for staying sexually vital.
"Well," answered the man, "I eat rye bread everyday. That is my secret. If you just eat rye bread, your sex life will improve dramatically."

(From a man's point of view)

#1..Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up,
put it down.
#1..Birthdays, valentines, and anniversaries are not quests to
see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
#1..Sometimes we are not thinking of you. Live with it.
Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and
NASCAR.
#1..Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of
the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of

Two men working in a facory were talking. "I know how to get some
time off," said one.

"How are you going to do that?"

"Watch," he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what
he was doing up there, and the man replied. "I'm a lightbulb."

"I think you need some time off," the foreman said said, and the
first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second
man followed him.

"Where do you think you're going?" the foreman shouted.

"I can't work in the dark," he said.

A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens
fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being God's
creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted.

The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flower
beds, and he had tried everything. Two weeks later, on a visit I
noticed his flower beds were doing great. The flowers were beginning
to bloom.

So I asked him how he managed to keep the birds away. "How did you
make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?"

For a holiday, an Irishman decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a
lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just
as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide. Three
hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy
tied under his chin.

"We're saved!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"

"Sure," said the Irishman.
"An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

My wife and I were browsing in a crafts store when I noticed a
display of country-style musical instruments. After looking over
the flutes, dulcimers and recorders, I picked up a shiny,
one-stringed instrument I took to be a mouth harp. I put it to
my lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a
few notes on it.

After watching from a distance, my wife came up and whispered
in my ear, "I hate to tell you this, honey, but you're trying
to play a cheese slicer."

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We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the
rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these
are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up,
put it down. You can handle it. We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one Subtle hints

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last
oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
$50.00..
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20....00, drive
home.