One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father
stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.

Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes,
I'd love to!"

They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of
the evening that Dad finally confessed that his question had
actually been directed to the family dog, laying near Mom's
feet on the kitchen floor.

Secrets to a Happy Marriage
1. It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans.

2. It is important to find a woman who makes good money.

3. It is important to find a woman who likes to have sex.

4. It is important that these three women never meet.

LOVE: When you write poems about your partner.
LUST: When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE: When all you write is checks.

LOVE: When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST: When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE: When you lose your child in a crowded room.

LOVE: When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST: When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE: When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE: When you have concern for your partner's feelings.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling
alleys.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is
winning.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many
dead rabbits on the highway?

Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a
relative.

I was escorted to a wedding by my twenty-four-year-old
bachelor son. He appeared unaffected by the ceremony
until the bride and groom lighted a single candle with
their candles and then blew out their own. With that he
brightened and whispered, "I've never seen that done
before."

I whispered back, "You know what it means, don't you?"

His response: "No more old flames?"

On a beautiful sunny Sunday afternoon, a guy
stood on the first tee at his country club. He had
just pulled out his driver when a young woman in
a wedding gown came running up to him, crying.

"You creep!" she screamed in his face. "You
lousy no-good rotten stinking creep!"

"What's your problem, sweetie?" he calmly replied.
"I distinctly told you 'only if it rained'."

When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy
complexion, the patient replied, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes
from my family."

"Your mother's side or your father's?" The Doctor asked.

"Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family."

"Oh, come now," the Doctor said. "How could your wife's family give
you high blood pressure?"

He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"

There is a new, specialized service called "Marriage Anonymous"

WOMEN:

When you feel like getting married, you call Marriage Anonymous and
they send over a man in a dirty T-shirt who hasn't shaved in three
days, smells like stale beer, and whines at you to make him a snack
while he lies on the couch, emits various bodily gases and their
accompanying noises, and watches football.

MEN:

When you feel like getting married, you call Marriage Anonymous and
they send you an overweight woman dressed in a sloppy bathrobe and

One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next
morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into
most of the homes there.

Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs.
Thibodaux, waiting for help to come.

Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the
house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then
float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from
the house, then back in.

Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux,

"What do you love most about me," a husband asked his wife, "my
tremendous athletic ability or my superior intellect?"

"What I love most about you,"
responded the man's wife, "is your enormous sense of humor."