The Washington Post Style Invitation postulated that English should have

male and female nouns. Readers were asked to assign a gender to a noun
of their choice and explain their reason.

The best submissions:
________________________________________

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always
see right through them.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a
wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.

"In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In
some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."

"However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a
double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right."

As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the
ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after
a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was.

"Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool,
200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right."

Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until
the man behind them spoke up. "These folks are from England,"
he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where
two Americans are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two
Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to
stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American
turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a
foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't

On a cruise to Alaska, I saw my very first glacier in the
magnificent Inside Passage. Excitedly, I asked the ship's
officer what it was called.

"It's some dumb glacier," he replied.

Disappointed by his attitude, I bought a map to figure it out
myself. I spotted our location and found the name of the ice
mass.

It was called, just as he'd said, "Sumdum Glacier."