There was a guy telling his friend that he and his wife had a
serious argument the night before. "But it ended," he said,
"when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees."

"What did she say?" asked the friend.

The husband replied, "She said, 'Come out from under that bed,
you coward!'"

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and
were giving each other the silent treatment.

The next week the man realized that he would need his wife
to wake him at 5.00am for an early flight to Sydney. Not
wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally
wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00am".

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was
9.00am, and that he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't
awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed....

A grief-stricken man threw himself across the
grave and cried bitterly. "My life, how senseless
it is! How worthless is everything about me
because you are gone. If only you hadn't died,
if only fate had not been so cruel as to take
you from this world, how different everything
would have been."

A clergyman happened by and to soothe the man he
offered a prayer. Afterward he said, "I assume the
person lying beneath this mound of earth was
someone of great importance to you."

"Importance? Indeed it was," moaned the man.

"It's my wife's first husband!"

A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of
them unwilling to admit they might be in error.

"I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a conciliatory
attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."

He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.

"I'm wrong," she said.

With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!"

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after
surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he
fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed
by his side.

A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're
cute!" Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful"
it was "cute."

She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?"

His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

A woman is enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one
evening.
"Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's
going to really be angry if it's not ready on time." When she gets
home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to the supermarket,
and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a
can of cat food.

In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and
garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.