A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a
five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like
this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with
my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed
one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was
my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped
the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking
lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off
on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and
off the course?"

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the

"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad
I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.

"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you
take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you,"
Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and
the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

"Do you see it?" asked Jack.

A recent retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.
Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons,
explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro
showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball
toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway
and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.

"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro
finally said, once he was able to speak again.

It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Murray was beginning his pre-shot
routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the
clubhouse loudspeaker - "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee back
up to the men's tee, please!"

Murray was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the
interruption.

Again the announcement - "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back
up to the men's tee!"

Murray had enough. He straightens up and shouts, "Would the announcer
in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?"

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning
for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed,
"What's with these guys? We musthave been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a
word with him."

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather
slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters.

A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard
times, approaches a well-dressed gentleman on the street.
"Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?"

The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going
to spend it on liquor are you?"

"No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum. "You are not
going to throw it away in some crap game, are you?" asks
the gentleman.

"No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum. "You wouldn't
waste the money at a golf course for greens fees, would
you?" asks the man.

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar,
the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs by
his side.

She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye--and said, "This isn't going
to take all day, is it?"

An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and
joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first
time to play but was told there wasn't anybody he could play
because they were already out on the course.

He repeated several times that he really wanted to play.
Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked
how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80 year old said "I really
don't need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only
real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."

A man takes the day off work and
decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he
notices a frog sitting next to
the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is
about to shoot when he
hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't
see anyone. Again, he
hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks
at the frog and decides to
prove the frog wrong, puts the
club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the
cup. He is shocked. He says