I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird
religious cult."
-- Rita Rudner

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.
That's almost $7.00 in dog money."
-- Joe Weinstein

"Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant."
-- Unknown

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs
I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
-- James Thurber

"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person
with pets."
-- Nora Ephron

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a
dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.

"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.

"Not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets
a good hand he wags his tail."

1. Blaming your gas on me…. Not Funny
2. Yelling at me for barking. I am a dog you idiot.
3. Taking me for a walk then not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick balancing food on my nose…. Stop it.
5. Yelling at me for rubbing myself on your carpet. Why did
you buy carpet?
6. Getting upset when I sniff crotches of your guests. Sorry
but I haven't quite mastered the handshake thing yet…idiot
7. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why
we chew your stuff up when you are not home.

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a midwest town
he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me.
He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be
willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said,
"I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all
that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes,
silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to
evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and

Dear God,
Are there mailmen in heaven? If so - will I have to apologize?

How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom if ever smell each other?
Where are their priorities?

When my family eats dinner they always bless their food. But they never bless mine,
so...I've been wagging my tail extra fast when they fill my bowl. Have you noticed
my blessing?

When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch or is it the same old story?

You believe every dog is a lap dog.

If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.

You have a picture of your dog in your wallet,
but not one of your kids.

You have your dog talk to your friends on the
phone.

You can't fully enjoy yourself without your dog.

No matter how large your bed is, it is not large
enough for you and your dog(s).

You spend more on clothes and food for your
dog than you do for yourself.

You believe there is no such thing as a naughty
dog.

When you need someone to talk to, your dog
is your first choice.

A farmer named O'Rourke lived alone in the countryside with a
pet dog which he loved and doted on...
After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so
O'Rourke went to the parish priest: "Father, my dear old dog is
dead. Could you be saying a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Michael replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your
dog's death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. However, there's a new denomination down
the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do
something for the animal."

1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm ly-
ing under the coffee table.

3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the
sofa or under the bed.

4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering
the house.

5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or
after they throw it up.

6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of
clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.

7. I will not throw up in the car.

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to
boast about his track record. "In the last 16 races, I've won 8
of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won
20!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 37 races, I've won 29!" says
another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been
sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the
greyhound, "but in my last 91 races, I've won 89 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a
hushed silence. "A talking dog."