The doctor, who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most
of her life, finally retired.

At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list
of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew
wide as he realized she has a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these
that could possibly help you sleep!"

Because of an ear infection, Little Johnny, had to go to the
pediatrician. The doctor directed his comments and questions
to Little Johnny in a professional manner. When he asked Little
Johnny, "Is there anything you are allergic to?"

Little Johnny nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the
pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to Little
Johnny's mother. She tucked it into her purse without looking
at it.

As the pharmacist filled the order, he remarked on the unusual
food - drug interaction Little Johnny must have. Little Johnny's

A strained voice called out through the darkened theater,
"Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"

Several men stood up as the lights came on.

An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her,
"Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in
a date with a good girl?"

A woman brought her baby in to see the doctor, and he
determined right away the baby had an ear ache.

He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote,
"Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated
"right" as an R with a circle around it.

Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby,
complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little
behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.

The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that
he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor
examines him, leaves the room and comes
back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor says, "Take the Big pill with a
big glass of water when you get up. Take the
little pink pill with a big glass of water after lunch.
Then just before going to bed, take the red pill
with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine the
man stammers, "My goodness, doc, exactly
what's my problem?"

Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

A guy walks into a doctor's office. He has a sausage coming
out of his ear, a waffle coming out of his nose, and bacon
coming out of his other ear. He says worriedly, "Doc, what's
wrong with me?!?"

The doctor replies, ''You're not eating properly.'

A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me
a beer and a mop."

*****

What does a skeleton say when he wants to eat?
-Bone appetit!

*****

A man went to visit his doctor. "Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can
you check it out please?" the man pleads.

The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears
the arm talk. "Hello, Doctor; says the arm. "Could you lend
me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"

"Aha!'' says the doctor.

''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist,
"You are far too upset and worried about your son. I am
going to give you a prescription for some tranquillizers
that I want you to start taking regularly."

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the
tranquilizers calmed you down any?"

"Oh, yes," the mother answered. "They do wonders for me!"

"And how is your son now?" he asked.

"Who cares?!" she replied.

A man decides to take the opportunity, while his wife is away,
to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than
expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is
distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the
doctor. She puts on a large overcoat and they go.

When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to
show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you
ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed like that."

In a fancy restaurant in Columbia, a Yuppie
started to choke on a bone. A man rushed
over, reassured the Yuppie that he was going
to be all right and identified himself as a doctor.
He performed the Heimlich Maneuver. The
bone popped out.

As the man's breath & voice returned he said,
"I'm ever so grateful doctor, how can I ever
repay you?"

The doctor smiled and said, "I'll settle for
one-tenth of what you were willing to pay
while you were choking."