1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.

2. Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut door.

3. Open door and remove cat from closet.

4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.

5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.

6. Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc. . .

7. Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.

8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit and collect string.

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.

The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened. He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him.

At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.

Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."

I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.

The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry
cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and
the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of
furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their
feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the
top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird
religious cult."
-- Rita Rudner

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.
That's almost $7.00 in dog money."
-- Joe Weinstein

"Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant."
-- Unknown

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs
I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
-- James Thurber

"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person
with pets."
-- Nora Ephron

My aunt's neighbor in New York had a beautiful black cat, named Felix,
who spent his days outside and came indoors at night. One cool October
evening, he disappeared. The neighbor searched for him in vain for
several days. The following spring,, however, Felix reappeared, looking
healthy and clean. She figured he's been out sowing his wild oats.
Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Felix disappeared
again. The next spring, he returned. Perplexed, my aunt's friend began
asking neighbors for clues. Finally, she rang the bell of an older

No. It's not a cat it's...
An un-programmable animal.
A four footed allergen.
A hair relocation expert.
A treat-seeking missile.
A lap-warmer with a built-in buzzer.
A small, furry lap fungus.

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL -

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right hand thumb on either side of
cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding
pill in hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow
cat to close mouth and swallow.