The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around
that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass,
and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of
juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, truck drivers, etc.) but
nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar,
wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice
'I`d like to try the bet.'

An old woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a
scotch and two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her a drink she says, "It's my birthday today and
I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink.
In fact I'll take care of this one for you."

As the woman finishes her drink a woman to her right says, "I guess I should
buy you a drink too."

The 80 year-old woman says, "Alright. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops
of water."

"Alright" says the bartender.

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"
The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the
drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies,
"What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says
to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer,
which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no
stipulation of remuneration."

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and
informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs.

The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as
well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is
old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully
tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest
drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and
the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first
sip of alcohol.

A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a
pint of beer.

The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.

"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.

A man asks the only other guy in the bar if he can buy him a drink.
“Of course,” comes the reply.
The first man then asks him, “Where are you from?”

“Ireland,” replies the second.

“I’m from Ireland, too! Let’s have another round, to Ireland.”

“Cheers!” replies the other, and they both toss back their drinks.

The first man asks, “Where in Ireland are you from?”

“Dublin,” comes the reply.

“I can’t believe it!” says the first man. “I’m from Dublin, too! Let’s have another
drink, to Dublin!

Two monkeys walk into a bar and order a couple of beers. The barman had
never served monkeys before so he was a little taken aback. He decides to
consult with his manager, so runs up to the upper office to speak with
Ian.
"Ian! There are two monkeys downstairs ordering beers! What do I do?".
Ian: "Serve them you idiot. Oh, but wait: monkeys are stupid, so charge
them twice the price. They won't know the difference."
The barman goes back down to the bar, serves up the beer, and charges the
monkeys double. Later in the evening, the monkeys are still nursing the

A man goes into a bar very thirsty. He sits down waiting for the
bartender to see him. The man next to him calls for the bartender
saying, "I'll have another waterloo."
The bartender gives him a tall, ice-cold drink, then asks the newcomer
what he would like to drink. Wanting to try this new drink he says,
"I'll have a waterloo too.'"
The bartender gives him a tall, ice-cold drink. He takes a big drink
and says "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water ! "
The man next to him looks at the bartender and says, "Well, it
IS water...right Lou?"

A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me
a beer and a mop."

*****

What does a skeleton say when he wants to eat?
-Bone appetit!

*****

A man went to visit his doctor. "Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can
you check it out please?" the man pleads.

The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears
the arm talk. "Hello, Doctor; says the arm. "Could you lend
me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"

"Aha!'' says the doctor.

''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"

A guy goes into a classy bar. This bar has a dress code, and
the maitre d' demands he wear a tie. Discouraged, the guy
goes to his car to sulk when inspiration strikes: He's got
jumper cables in the trunk! So he wraps them around his
neck, sort of like a string tie and returns to the bar.

... The maitre d' is reluctant, but says to the guy; "Okay,
you can come in... but just don't start anything"!...