A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result.

On his way home he pops into the newsagent and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the newsagent "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35" was the reply.

"I'm actually 47 years old" the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into the Fish & Chip shop to celebrate. Before leaving, he asks the same question, to which the reply is "Oh, you look about 29" This makes him feel really good.

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking
spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw
a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a
young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine
and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting.

He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's
window and knocked. The young man looked up, obligingly
cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"I'm reading this magazine," answered the young man.

Two older men are sitting on a park bench talking and one of them asks the other about his sex life. The man answers that he has an excellent sex life and is still very active.
The other man confesses that his sexual appetite has greatly diminished with old age so he asks the other man if he has any secrets for staying sexually vital.
"Well," answered the man, "I eat rye bread everyday. That is my secret. If you just eat rye bread, your sex life will improve dramatically."

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.

Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel,
did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out & stared at
it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I
know where my hearing aid is."

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me...I know we've been friends for a long
time...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought,
but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is. Her friend
glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.

"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad
I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.

"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you
take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you,"
Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and
the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

"Do you see it?" asked Jack.

First, Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age and start bragging about it.

Second, The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in
line for.

Third, Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I
want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long
way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth, When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.

Fifth, You know you are getting old when every thing either dries up
or leaks.

A 100 year old man was having a big birthday party
at his nursing home. A TV crew was there to interview
the man on this special day.

"Please tell our audience how you managed to live so
long," as the reporter.

"Well, I don't ever drink and I've never smoked," replied
the old geezer. "And, I make it a point to stay away
from wild women."

Just then, there was a loud shriek in the hall. The crew
turned to see a nurse run by, followed by an agile looking,
older man. The older man carried a foul smelling cigar
in one hand and a glass of whiskey in the other. As he

An extremely wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young
woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.

"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a
friend.

"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her
you're 90."