First, Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age and start bragging about it.

Second, The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in
line for.

Third, Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I
want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long
way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth, When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.

Fifth, You know you are getting old when every thing either dries up
or leaks.

A 100 year old man was having a big birthday party
at his nursing home. A TV crew was there to interview
the man on this special day.

"Please tell our audience how you managed to live so
long," as the reporter.

"Well, I don't ever drink and I've never smoked," replied
the old geezer. "And, I make it a point to stay away
from wild women."

Just then, there was a loud shriek in the hall. The crew
turned to see a nurse run by, followed by an agile looking,
older man. The older man carried a foul smelling cigar
in one hand and a glass of whiskey in the other. As he

An extremely wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young
woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.

"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a
friend.

"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her
you're 90."

Old Sam Johnson goes to his doctor complaining of aches and pains
all over his body. After a thorough examination, the doctor gives
him a clean bill of health.

"Sam, you're in excellent shape for an 85 year old man. But I'm not
a magician - I can't make you any younger", says the doctor.

"Who asked you to make me younger, already?" says Sam. "You just
make sure I get older!"

The doctor, who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most
of her life, finally retired.

At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list
of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew
wide as he realized she has a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these
that could possibly help you sleep!"

Approaching eighty-five years of age, Mrs. Harris finally decided
it was time to give up her apartment in New York and move to Miami.
She was given the name of a Florida realtor, who enthusiastically
drove her all over Miami, extolling the virtues of every apartment
they looked at.

"And this one, what a steal," he rhapsodized, "the investment of a
lifetime. Why, in ten years it's gonna be worth three times..."

"Sonny," interrupted Mrs. Harris, "at my age I don't even buy green
bananas."

Esther and Sally, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community,
are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet,
nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.

Esther says," Sally, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to
him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely."

Sally agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and
says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and
I were wondering why you looked so lonely."

"Of course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in
prison."

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's
house and, after eating, the wives left the table and
went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were
talking, and one says: "Last night we went out to a
new restaurant, and it was really great. I would
recommend it very highly."

The other man says: "What's the name of the
restaurant?"

The first man knits his brow in obvious
concentration, and finally says to his companion:

"Aahh, what is the name of that red flower you give to
someone you love?"

His friend replies: "A carnation?"

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor
asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year
old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think
about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell
you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed
a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally
grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So
he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of

You've come to the annoying realization that your parents were right
about almost everything.

The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car-in the
"ten items or less" lane.

You've stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your
parents.

You've found yourself discussing the weather.

You remember your kid's names, just not always the right one.

You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the
street for the garbage collector.

Your high school yearbook is now home to three different species of
mold.