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One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father
stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.

Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes,
I'd love to!"

They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of
the evening that Dad finally confessed that his question had
actually been directed to the family dog, laying near Mom's
feet on the kitchen floor.

How agri-corporations around the world would treat their cows.

NORTH AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and
force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised
when the cow drops dead.

FRENCH: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three
cows.

JAPANESE: You have two cows. You redesign them to 1/10 the size
of ordinary cows, producing 20 times the milk. You then create
clever cow cartoons called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

GERMAN: You have two cows, re-engineered so they'll live for 100

The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant, named Calle. It seems that
Calle has a chronic illness which requires daily medication. The
zoo people couldn't get Calle to take her dose orally, so a
pharmacologist developed a suppository for her.

The 10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by
the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame, California.

Administering the DAILY medication takes five zoo workers, including
one person to distract Calle with treats and one person who wears
a full-arm glove.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT ALL THIS MEANS?

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.

The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because
attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign .....

Energy efficient vehicle.
Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step on exhaust.

Courageous Cowboy at Pearly Gates

A Texas Cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly gates.

Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their
40th wedding anniversary.

On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that
because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant
each of them a very special wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh!

Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

A Zen Buddhist master was about to take his daily walk through the garden when one of his students approached him. "Master," he said. "May my friend and I join you on your walk through the garden?" "Of course, young one." So, off the three of them went. As they were walking along, the friend of the young student casually mentioned, "nice garden."

When they finished their walk through the garden, the Zen Buddhist master told the young student, "It is okay if you wish to walk with me through the garden again, but please do not invite your friend. He talks too much."

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response:

Dear P. Niss,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

Flying home after visiting her daughter in England, she arranged to have
her husband meet her plane at the Vancouver, B.C. airport. This meant a
stop at the border crossing between the United States and Canada, where
her husband was asked: "What is your reason for entering the country?"
and "How long are you planning to stay?" He replied that he was picking
his wife up at the airport after her trip to England. Without missing a
beat, the guard asked two more questions in the same businesslike tone:
"Is the house clean?" and "Are there fresh flowers on the table?"