jokesclub.com

(From a man's point of view)

#1..Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up,
put it down.
#1..Birthdays, valentines, and anniversaries are not quests to
see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
#1..Sometimes we are not thinking of you. Live with it.
Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and
NASCAR.
#1..Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of
the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed
away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying
the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring
the casket.

They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the
woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then
dies.

Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall-
bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the
casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that wall!"

10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because he
wouldn't ask for directions.

9. God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV
remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to see
what's ON TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)

8. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment.

7. God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new
one for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.

Little Sammy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local
police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board.
The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was
the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly."

So Little Sammy asked, while tugging on the man's belt, "Um, mister, why
didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?"

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel. The new bride is
concerned and asked, "What if the place is still bugged?"
The groom says "Hmm... Good point. I'll look for a bug."

He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug...
"AHA!" he shouts! Sure enough, under the rug was a small disc
shaped plate, with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife,
unscrews the screws, throws them and the plate out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was
your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate

A minister was walking in front of his church when he heard his
five-year old son and playmates 'round back. He walked back there
and noticed the boys had found a dead bird. Feeling a proper burial
was in order, they had secured a small box and some cotton batting,
then dug a whole, and were now standing around the "grave."

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers, of
course. With sonorous dignity the little boy intoned HIS version of
what he thought his father always said:

"Glory to be unto the Father, and unto the Son . . . and

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing
up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of
arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the
wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs
downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the
next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says,"I'll
give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
stands naked in front of Bob.

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie
comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant
three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!"
says the admin clerk."I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat,
without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to
be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an

Al Capp, creator of the famous comic strip Lil Abner, was one day
invited to a university to give a lecture to the students. Before
he could begin speaking to the large group assembled in the auditorium,
an unkempt-looking student at the back shouted a vulgar word at him.
The word hung in the air as an uncomfortable silence lasted but a
moment... Capp, keeping his cool, quipped, "Now that you've given us
your name, what IS your question?"